I am gazing into a sea of vibrant colors, patterns and textures. I reach into the colorful mosaic and feel the soft and silky fabrics of the cheeky purple polka dots, the bright yellow pineapples, the sexy black lace… soooo many beautiful options to choose from. I keep reaching and sigh as I settle on a wrinkled wad of faded gray and white striped cotton and slowly close my panty drawer. “Maybe tomorrow”, I whisper to the pretty panties I leave behind.
I do this a lot. Wait….I don’t mean that I talk to my panties a lot; I mean I save the good stuff for tomorrow a lot. The kind of tomorrow that never seems to come. Maybe tomorrow I’ll put on that nice perfume I really like, maybe tomorrow I’ll wear that cute skirt, maybe tomorrow I’ll actually do my hair instead of wearing a bun for the 15th day in a row….and all this may seem superficial and silly, but I know deep down why I am doing it, and that’s what really bothers me.
I feel like it would be a waste. I feel like I don’t want to waste the time, products, pretty panties, etc. on this Beth. The Beth that right now, is not exactly who she wants to be. When I really think about it, it makes me a little sad. I feel like even if I made the effort, I wouldn’t look and feel the way I want to, so what’s the point?
I feel stuck in my job, I have fallen back into some unhealthy eating habits and have gained a pound….or seven……ok, FINE maybe ten. I know that these are some of the reasons I am not putting the time into myself that I should. As I am writing this, I am realizing that I am subconsciously punishing myself, holy sh**. I keep telling myself that as soon as I start eating better, lose a few pounds, hit one of my goals and am a little happier with myself I will start putting some more effort in and basically reward myself by being nicer to me….hmmm, I might need a glass of wine to keep pushing through all this self-realization.
Well, now that I have wine and I know what my problem is, I am good to go. Ha! I wish it was that easy. I truly do love myself, and I have a pretty great life. But I am stuck in a personal rut. What really sucks is that based on all the self-help books I have been reading, apparently I am the only one that can change my attitude and mindset (#LAME). So the only person to blame is myself, but I need to stop blaming myself…what a conundrum.
One of my favorite things for some quick motivation is listening to inspiring podcasts. I have been doing this a lot lately and there has been an overarching theme that is really resonating right now…tomorrow is not guaranteed. I have listened to some crazy stories of women that have overcome incredible odds and horrible tragedies. Every time I listen to one of these it’s so eye-opening! I know that I should be enjoying every day and living my best life. I think I do a pretty good job in a lot of ways, but I am not quite there yet, it’s an ongoing journey.
I realize that the next part of my journey is to stop waiting for tomorrow all the time and to stop telling myself I don’t deserve things with where I am today. I know I can’t change myself overnight, but I think I am ready to take some baby steps in the right direction. I am making the choice right now to accept where I am today and to make a plan to move forward.
I am going to start with working on my inner voice; she needs to be a lot nicer and more encouraging. I am also going to write down my long term personal goals and break those down into realistic mini goals. I am going to celebrate my wins! I sometimes brush over the positives and focus more on what I still need to work on. And I think tomorrow I’ll rock those pretty panties. The ones I always stare at, but think, nah…. not today. Why not today? This Beth deserves them. Let the journey continue, here I come BESTie life!
XOXO Your BESTie,
Beth
Yes!! Why do we do this as women? We feel we have to “earn” treating ourselves well? I totally used to do this with baths. Like I had to literally run a a marathon to “deserve” a relaxing bath. Love it, Beth!
Thanks Erin! I know, we have such high standards for ourselves and don’t reward ourselves nearly as much as we should. I hope you are taking lots of long relaxing baths, you deserve it!!
I only see and acknowledge the bad I do or have done, never the good. I’m started to feel like I really don’t do anything good. I had no idea that something could be so nasty, mean and angry until I started recognizing my own inner voice! I think and say the most awful things about myself to myself. I have never thought these things or felt this way towards others, so why I am constantly doing it to myself!? I’m really glad that I am not alone in this. I am going to start like you had said with my inner self. I’d really love an update. Thanks -Ash
Ashley – you do so many good things, believe me, I know!!! It’s so easy for our inner voices to become negative and we can tear ourselves down so quickly. Let’s both work on changing those inner voices to be encouraging and positive, I will definitely post updates, and I want them from you too! I am going to try talking to myself like I would to my friends, because you are right I would never say some of the things I say to myself to them!
Rockstar
Okay, so now I actually read it 😍. Love that your are sharing your private thoughts and feelings. For me that has always been a hard thing to do! Self reflection is such a huge part of growing, but it is no good if you’re not taking action. I’m so thankful you took the plunge and published!! #bravegirl
Thank you Carm! I was so nervous to push the publish button but I’m glad I did 🙂
Your the best!! I love everything you do, you complete me.
Yes! Rock those pretty panties! Not even necessarily because tomorrow is not guaranteed, but because you are a badass right now and deserve all the finer things. About 2 years ago, I was in a similar position and threw away everything in my closet that didn’t make me feel beautiful. Everything. Also, it’s fun to keep a bottle of champagne in your fridge always ready to go. Just because. 😉 The little luxuries that make you feel like a million bucks aren’t for another day. They’ll always be there for you.
Dank Gummies sour gummy worms